Your motherhood, your way:
My most hated piece of advice for new mums (and how to trust you know what you’re doing without it).
When I first became a mother, I couldn’t believe how so people suddenly became an expert on how I should be mothering my baby, and living my life, and how they assumed I was interested in hearing their (many!) opinions. This blog post describes the framework I work through with mums to help them to understand why people don’t seem to understand how unhelpful this advice is, and how mums can best support themselves in the midst of all of this noise.
Some gems:
“Sleep when the baby sleeps.”
“Breastfeeding is easy and natural.”
“Don’t spoil the baby by holding it too much.”
“Your baby should be sleeping through the night by now.”
Then there’s all of the conflicting advice:
“Co-sleep for bonding.”/ “Co-sleeping is dangerous.”
“Wait as long as possible before introducing solids.” / “Give solids to improve sleep.”
“Feed on demand.”/ “Put baby on a feeding schedule.”
“Socialise your baby early to help with development.”/ “Keep your baby away from crowds.”
And my all-time pet hate:
“It goes so fast, enjoy every minute.”
I have had countless mothers tell me about how these opinions can add unnecessary pressure, stress and even distress to them, at a time when they are already navigating their own hormone and physical changes, and sleep deprivation, as well as the weight of responsibility of caring for the multitude of needs of a tiny human.
What all of these well-meaning people (and I do try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are well-meaning, and I’ll come back to this) don’t realise is that you do not need any unsolicited advice about your baby. Your baby will be absolutely fine, because s/he has you caring for it, protecting it and loving it, 24/7.
The person who may not be fine in the midst of all of this, is YOU. Because you’re being left with very little space to care for, protect, and love yourself with all of this noise around you. And this noise can make it difficult to hear what you, or your, baby really need.
I believe that these well-meaning people would not be giving so much misguided advice about your baby if they understood that you are going through matrescence.
Matrescence describes the physical, hormonal, emotional and social changes a mother experiences as she transitions into the role of motherhood. It impacts every aspect of her identity. This can cause huge confusion, vulnerability and overwhelm. However, because this term is not widely recognised and understood, when the well-meaning people offer advice, they don’t understand that they are feeding right into your confusion, vulnerability and overwhelm, and amplifying it.
I would love for the term matrescence to be widely recognised, understood and used. I would love for all practitioners working with mothers to have studied matrescence as part of their training, and for it to be a core part of every antenatal course and postnatal check-up.
And actually, for real change to occur, I would love to be on everybody’s lips, so that everybody we encounter at least has an awareness that we’re in the midst of matrescence, and we are met with far more empathy and meaningful support in our role as mother than we currently are.
In the meantime, I teach the mums I work with about another powerful term, that can help us to drown out all of the opinions and help us to focus on what we, and our baby, really need. This term, and tool, is self-compassion. Self-compassion is learning to being a good friend to yourself. It’s being able to tell yourself: It’s ok to make mistakes because I’m human, I am not my thoughts, and I’m not alone, it’s not just me who thinks/feels these things. Of course, this is easier said than done! But over the years I have learned how to be much kinder to myself, and I support the mums I work with to do this too.
Just today I had a lump in my throat as I listened to a mother who I work with describe how much of an impact learning to give herself some self-compassion has made to her day-to-day life. She talked about feeling stronger, more grounded and calmer.
These two concepts, matrescence and self-compassion, form the foundation from which we can begin to support ourselves in the following key aspects of our identity which are impacted by motherhood:
· Our self-talk (which can become more critical)
· Our emotions (which may feel like a rollercoaster)
· Our self-care practices (which may go out the window)
· Our relationships (which sadly can feel like yet-another thing to do).
These are the 6 components of the Motherhood Matters framework that I work through with the mothers I support, and which leads them to a place of confidence, ease and joy in their motherhood.
I am so passionate about supporting mothers to tune out all of the external noise of advice and opinions, and really hear and trust your own inner wisdom about how to mother your baby, your way. I’m thinking of running a free webinar to help you with this – would you be interested in coming? Let me know in the comments below.
To sum up – Matrescence and self-compassion are two of the six components of the Motherhood Matters framework that I work through with the mothers I support, and which leads them to a place of confidence, ease and joy in their motherhood. From this place, mothers feel stronger and more grounded, which allows them to tune out well-meaning, but little needed, opinions and advice from people who don’t understand that baby will be fine, because s/he has you, but your own mental health and self-care needs to be the focus of your attention.
