Why self-compassion is the antidote to that “not good enough” feeling that plagues mothers

Hello, Inner “Cheerleader”; Goodbye, Inner “Mean Girl”!

“Why is this so hard?”

“Everyone else seems to be managing.”

 “I’m not a good enough mother.”

Ah, our inner mean girl. In the midst of a never-ending to-do list, social media comparisons, and sleepless nights these thoughts can become the soundtrack to our motherhood. However, they’re not at all helpful, and in fact, they can be painfully paralyzing. When we’re sleep deprived, stressed and overwhelmed, this is the perfect breeding ground for an inner “mean girl” that tries to be keep you motivated by pushing you to be “better”, pointing out your flaws, anticipating future “failures”, and telling you that other mothers are doing a better job than you.

But how can you function effectively when you’re telling yourself that nothing you do is good enough? You simply can’t!

I used to think these sorts of thoughts all the time, and while I can’t claim to have banished them entirely, whenever they do pop up now, I know the antidote to them – self-compassion. Self-compassion is the key to re-training your brain away from falling into these unhelpful mean-girl thought traps, and instead enlisting the support of your inner cheerleader. Read on to discover how to harness the power of self-compassion.

As defined by Kristin Neff, self-compassion has three components:

• Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment - being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate.

• Common humanity vs. Isolation - recognising that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience.

• Mindfulness vs. Over-identification - willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity.

Or, as I try to remind myself:

• I'm human

• It's not just me that feels/thinks these things

• I am not my thoughts (especially not the mean ones)

This is how these reminders help me on a daily basis:

I'm human:

This element of self-compassion helps me to avoid having unrealistic expectations of myself and let go of the “Super-mum” myth. It feels hard sometimes because it is hard sometimes. Because I’m not a machine. When I notice myself going down the rabbit-hole of putting too much pressure on myself to be a perfect mother, it is usually an indication that some of my human needs aren’t being met, and it’s often the basics that need attention. Small resets such as going to bed earlier, drinking enough water, eating healthier food, or simply taking a break can make a world of difference.

It's not just me that feels/thinks these things:

This helps me to reduce the comparisons with other (also human!) mothers. If I am having a hard moment, I try to remind to myself that other mothers sometimes face the same challenges too. You’ve heard it so many times – don’t compare your life to someone else’s highlight reel.

And yes, sometimes other mums look like they have it all together… and sometimes you look like that too! Please don’t listen if your automatic response is “no, I don’t!” Can you allow yourself to recognise that at the very least, occasionally, you have a moment where things are going well? And can you allow the possibility that another mother may notice this and think “Wow, look how well she’s doing”?

I am not my thoughts (especially not the mean ones)

I find it very helpful to imagine my thoughts as clouds, and I can choose to allow the mean, pressurising, critical ones to float by without giving them attention or power.

Just because they pop into your brain, you don’t have to believe them. But them more attention you give any type of thought, the more likely that type of thought is to reappear. So, training your brain to give more attention to kinder, more helpful thoughts, will reduce the amount of mean girl thoughts that you’ll have to deal with in the future.

I’d love to know if this self-compassion framework is helpful. It takes a bit of practice to get into this way of thinking, so how about choosing just one of these thoughts to start with – I’m human, It's not just me that feels/thinks these things, I am not my thoughts (especially not the mean ones) – and look for opportunities to use it be kinder to yourself.

Here is a summary of the check-ins and reminders your inner cheerleader can use for each one:

• I'm human – am I meeting all of my human needs to function effectively?

• It's not just me that feels/thinks these things – don’t compare my life to someone else’s highlight reel.

• I am not my thoughts (especially not the mean ones) – I don’t have to believe every thought that crosses my mind.

Let me know in the comments below how you get on!